Kristy McNichol... (Say it isn't so)

Kristy McNichol. Famous child/teen actor and object of my early formative coming of age years. Why? Why baby why?

I first saw you in 1977 in a ABC After school special. You were in a halter top. While I was still too young to sport wood, I was instantly in love with you and halter tops and have remained so over these many years.

Oh, how I used to spank it raw with you. Your smiling face filling my parents floor unit, furniture sized television. These were the days when cable was still new and my father almost beat me to death once when I spun the dial too fast changing the channel for him. Yes, we were living remote controls.

But all that went away when you came on screen my little 5’-3” goddess. I learned how NOT to use my mothers shampoo and conditioner for yanking as it burns the urethra. Indeed, we shared that milestone moment. I humped pillows, mattresses, box springs, socks, couches, cushions and teddy bears. All in your honor and as practice so that when I did finally enter you, I would be good at it. Experienced. Suave. 

Sure, its been years since the last time I ground one out for you. And yes, I admit in 1983 I cheated on you with Barbara Edwards. In my defense I had just discovered playboy and she was playmate of the year. Dammit, playmate of the year! What was a young boy to do? Yes, I ruined an entire set of my mothers decorative towels on her but she meant nothing to me. Nothing! It’s you I loved.

Besides, after “The night the lights went out in Georgia” your drug habit took over and the movie career tanked. 

I waited as long as I could. Right up til 1984 when the neighbor girl turned horny and needed someone to practice on. I learned more about mono than I did sex from her but alas, that was the end of us.

I should have waited for you. I know, I’m slime. Lower than slime. And I knew I was to blame when I read that you had recently come out as a Lesbian. I get that. You waited as long as you could for me as well. And if you couldn’t have me, well, there just wasn’t any point in having dick at all.

I’ll never forget those early innocent, awkward, silly days we shared together. 

N.

Hypatia (Alexandria)

You: Wheel chair bound. Missing a leg. Cute. Me: Horny.

You called me David even though my name isn't David nor does it sound like David. You kept saying I reminded you of a guy who slept with your sister but whom you forgave when they bought you a new, hallowed out prosthetic leg that you could keep your booze in. 
You asked me several times, quite loudly I might add, if still had that weird mole next to my ball sack and does it still burn when I pee.

I for my part exclaimed that I didn't know you but considered that a great loss. In a world full of women who all jam to the same crappy three songs, all redone and rereleased as new every 6 months or so, you were a gem. 
In town of spectators, you at least were playing and playing as if it mattered. You said you didn't understand a word I said but presumed it to be a compliment. You wondered aloud if I did anything useful with the long arrogant sentences I spoke in. 
I was most curious if you like to be beaten with the leg while taking it doggie. We both were serious and we laughed as others nearby scooted further away. 

The bus driver interrupted our chat with a hard stop and dull announcement. "6th and Jefferson". A soda can rattled across the floor as people shifted out of the bus, including you. 

"Goodbye David. Try not to think so much. Live a little. We go round the sun not vice versa. And get some antibiotics for the drippy dick."

I laughed thru my nose and watched you wheel yourself away.

N.

Sun Tan Shitty (Always about the brown and green)

I rolled into the Sun Tan City for one purpose and one purpose only. And no, It wasn't for the heat lamps. I'm naturally dark skinned. It was to finish what I started. 

The warm weather on Saturday had me enjoying a little cruising in the Honda. We made eye contact in the parking lot and your smirk said enough to fill a Grisham novel. So I turned around and pulled in behind you at the tanning salon. As you locked your door and juggled your phone and purse you shot me another look. The smirk was gone. Replaced now with a smile. Genuine and hypnotic. I was under your spell. You added further temptation by shaking your cute ass in the tight leggings that leave little to imagine. And of course the boots. 

I'm not a stalker so I wrote down your license just in case we lost each other before following you into what can only be described as the mecca for white girls who want to be mexican without the machismó. Next census will have a orange category for race.

Your backward glance had my UV bulb protruding and you asked for your normal booth which quite accurately was called the 'melanoma'. A stand up unit. I had no idea they made such things. I quickly came up your rear.

Turning, you yanked down my pants and asked how much I wanted to spend. Spend? I asked if you were a hooker and you quickly corrected me with, "No, an escort. So whats it gonna be?" You popped one of my balls out of your mouth like a gobstopper. 

"I have $20."

"$20? Shit." She dropped my erect fluorescent ballast and stood. "You can play with my ass for $20. Just don't touch my asshole."

Which I immediately understood as exactly what I should do. So after several seconds of caressing her lumps I plunged my long middle finger as far as I could into her pristine bunghole. Even gave a twist.

In retrospect, I should have considered that it was well past lunchtime. Yea, hindsight is 20/20. Because what followed her shriek was a 160 watt explosion of shit. I jumped back crashing bulbs and glass as a shit storm of tornadic brown covered everything. 
I crawled backwards into the lobby as you cursed and broke even more glass. Bulbs were popping like fireworks and bronze women were running in every direction and covering their mouths. A solarium nightmare. 

It was then that I realized I still had my $20. Fuckin A! I casually walked to the honda. Not a drop on me. It's good to be me.

But I feel bad. Really, I'm tore up over the fact that you didn't get my name or number. I was gonna write it on the $20 but, well, never mind that. How about when your lacerations heal you hit me up? Same place? Lets meet BEFORE eating, yes?

N.

Black Maria (Someones at the door)

We met in the paddy wagon. You were complaining about your zip cuffs being to tight. I told you how to sit to ease the pressure and you thanked me. The goosebumps on your smooth long legs called to me. The house we were partying in was raided just as things were getting good. By good I mean, no one was assaulting me or asking me to leave, yet. Then the front door went down and so did my boner. Anyway, you smelled delicious. Probably a Neutrogena moisturizer. Simply splendid. You were not in the booking cell long, most likely due to no priors and your wealthy white parents. But I'll pretend not to notice though. I'm just now smelling fresh air. People have no idea just how rank jails smell. 

I can hear you onlookers say, 'so don't go there'. Right. Because you are so holy and righteous. Truth is, you just haven't been caught yet and the system, looking a lot like you, hasn't noticed you. Yet. So lecture me when you have the sack to step out from the herd and live a little. As for my zipped tied goddess, I roam now incomplete and dazed, awaiting the strike of lightning once more.

N.

North versus South (Passing lane)

I know this is a long shot but hey, its worth a try.

You were traveling southbound I-65.

I was traveling Northbound.

And even though we passed each other at 60+ miles per hour, I'm pretty sure I felt a connection. I realize that on top of driving, it appeared that you were also texting with the left and adjusting your hair with the right. 
Ambidextrous. I like that. 

It's a small miracle you haven't killed anyone yet or you just truly have no recollection of numerous hit and runs.
Either way I'm drawn to you. Like a moth to flame. Like heartburn to pizza roll. Like a redneck to cheese wiz. 

I couldn't make out your car model or license in the rear view because, well, that fell off years ago and they are a real bugger getting to stay back on. 
Plus the whole, opposite direction on a major thruway thing.

Text me with your free hand when you can gorgeous. I was the car with several LMPD vehicles chasing it. 
Kinda hard to miss, unless that is you were texting, changing ipod songs, fixing hair, downloading apps and telling the world about it on FB at 60mph.

N. 

You were in line behind me (when this went down)

What do you mean this receipt isn’t correct? YOUR store gave me this receipt. This is the piece of paper your Hal 9000 machine spit out along with the coupon, gift receipt and several miles of advertising connected to this here proof of sale...

Well how is that my fault? I mean I was being herded like cattle and I assumed your highly paid for and programmed attack drones gave me the correct receipt. For gods sake I saw the thing print out. How could it have been the wrong one? I don’t know, do I look like Bill Nye the science fucking guy?

Thanks but I don’t want to go to the back room and discuss this. How about I cordially and sincerely invite you to go fuck yourself. Is that clear enough?

Oh, I beg to differ. You WILL honor this receipt and you WILL refund my unhappy ass you overly polite sphincter wagon.

Call them! I’m not leaving this here spot. Tell me I have the wrong receipt. Talking all crazy about can’t help me. Sign says customer service. Mission statement plaque talking all about quality is important. I will straight up go white person beserker on your chinese sweat shop!

What was that? You can prove my receipt is wrong? I’d like to see that. I’d like for someone in this god forsaken commie store to attempt a useful and worthwhile task. I’m all ears. 

Yes, I see the big, store logo at the top of the receipt... Whats your point? What do you mean the sign hanging from the front of the building doesn’t match the logo on my receipt? How can that be?? Seriously, who is running this popsicle stand?

Hello officer, arrest this man here for assaulting me with idiocy and also... I’m in the wrong store? How about your in the wrong store. You need to be where the donuts are.

I don’t think I’m funny Barney, I know I’m funny. Oh snap. Get your cell phone cameras out people. Taser deployed. Taser deployed.

I can’t wait to sue both of your incompetent.. gfhjlafl4vbNV9t[g13nv

N.

Give evil a try (Go on...)

Your career is at a really tough crossroads here. You know the employment numbers as well as I do. They're bad, and they're not getting better. If you're going to survive you have to start thinking broadly. Stop missing connections. Explore all the options out there. Make some changes. I think you should consider giving Evil a try.

Now, Evil is a lot like Accounting. It's not always everyone's first career choice. But as an industry it's solid. The growth potential is huge. I mean, it's Evil. It's got tie-ins with practically every type of business you can name. Because Evil is all about synergy. And synergy is all about Evil.

You don't need special training. You don't need an advanced degree. The entry-level possibilities are right there, and you can pick up plenty of training on the job. That's the beauty of Evil. No one at your job is going to try to stop you from doing as much Evil as you can. They want you to do more of it, and that leads to better prospects. Which lead to more Evil. And so on.

I know, I know. You want to stick with Good. Hey, Good's great. But every craigs-lister out here wants to do Good. Or they say they do. But how many stick it out and actually make a living at it? Look at this way, you'll always be able to do Good in your spare time. You'll have Good to fall back on, sure. But Evil is where the money is.

Maybe you want to try Moral Ambivalence. Fine. But you know you're just going to end up trying Evil eventually, only you won't be as skilled at it. Why not just dive in and commit yourself to Evil right now? You're not getting younger. You only have so many years left for a real career. That career is in Evil. You know this. It's time. I think Evil could be a really great move for you.

N.