Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Your dog bit me (So, lets have sex.)


There I was, minding my own business and bam! Out of nowhere she is suddenly in my grill. 

“Get off my lawn! OMG! Are you pissing on my bushes?? I’m calling the cops.” The little Shitzu was yelping at my feet and trying to smell my pee. I shook, repackaged and zipped up.

Me extending hand: “Your quite attractive. You really don’t need the dog as a conversation starter. I say drop him off west of 9th street. My names Narcissus. Didn’t catch yours.”

You snorted thru your nose. “Are you kidding me? Get off my.... Yes, hello, 911? I have an intruder. On my lawn. What? Hold? No I will not hold. I’m a six figure salary white women!!” 

Six figures got my attention. “Well that explains the SUV, Romney decals and the annoying Shitzu. Way to use your girl power to be original.”

“His name is bankster, and I will have you know that I busted my ass for all this and I sure as hell didn’t do it so vagrants like you could just piss all over it!” 

“You busted your ass all right and for longer hours with less pay. The system won. You think its about equality sister? Try labor costs. You sacrificed family so they could get you cheaper. And you think thats progress? Divorce, bad parenting, Ambien addiction...Of course the bright side is bad parenting is responsible for 90% of my dates.” 

“Hello? Yes. A man exposed himself on my lawn. And is still here. Send everyone.”

“Now thats a stretch. A little wee wee after too much drinking is all. I mean the urine was a little. Not my wee wee. Thats not little. But you already know that. Starring pretty hard too I noticed...” A wink, a nod and a trigger finger gesture, for effect

“You. You bastard. You drunken deviant hipster...”

 I interrupted and took a step towards her. “Hipster? How dare you! Lets dispense with the foreplay. I think you are secretly hoping I take your capitalist MILF ass round back and bang the Fox and Friends-rapture-Jesus right out of your vagina hole. Am I right?” I gave a thumbs up to the Shitzu. The faint but all too familiar whine of sirens drifted into my frontal cortex. 

You seemed to fall backwards and as you did so released the 8 ounce hound - who promptly bit me. I know this because it was stuck to my sneaker by, what I assumed must be, the teeth. A minor inconvenience. You scuttled up the many steps and slammed the door.

So, I checked myself out in the mirror of the SUV (never looked better!) and made my way down the street. I shook the dog off 3 houses down. We bail you and your banker friends out and this is the thanks we get? Geesh. Yea, your welcome.

N.

5 comments:

  1. Holy crud this one is funny. I think you may have been urinating on my boyfriend's ex wife's lawn. Too funny Narc. Always...
    -Kristen

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  2. I LOVE the bats game story. I share them with as many people as I can "N." And why does craigslist delete them? Your fan Heather!!

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  3. Heather, I agree with you. I LOVE the Bats game story too. It's def one of my favorites! Lol! -Kristen

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  4. Some of us at work try to figure out who N is. Like a profiler lol. So far we think he's white, under 40 and has been to rehab. I think he's gorgeous. I hear his voice as Johnny Depp.
    I hope N is at the game! Go Cards!!

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  5. Lol! Again, me too except I hear him as Johnny Cash rather than Johnny Depp. He is well over 40 but reminds me of a 15 year old, he has been to rehab but not for substance abuse, he is more fun than good looking and he was not at the Cards game. :-)

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