Kristy McNichol... (Say it isn't so)

Kristy McNichol. Famous child/teen actor and object of my early formative coming of age years. Why? Why baby why?

I first saw you in 1977 in a ABC After school special. You were in a halter top. While I was still too young to sport wood, I was instantly in love with you and halter tops and have remained so over these many years.

Oh, how I used to spank it raw with you. Your smiling face filling my parents floor unit, furniture sized television. These were the days when cable was still new and my father almost beat me to death once when I spun the dial too fast changing the channel for him. Yes, we were living remote controls.

But all that went away when you came on screen my little 5’-3” goddess. I learned how NOT to use my mothers shampoo and conditioner for yanking as it burns the urethra. Indeed, we shared that milestone moment. I humped pillows, mattresses, box springs, socks, couches, cushions and teddy bears. All in your honor and as practice so that when I did finally enter you, I would be good at it. Experienced. Suave. 

Sure, its been years since the last time I ground one out for you. And yes, I admit in 1983 I cheated on you with Barbara Edwards. In my defense I had just discovered playboy and she was playmate of the year. Dammit, playmate of the year! What was a young boy to do? Yes, I ruined an entire set of my mothers decorative towels on her but she meant nothing to me. Nothing! It’s you I loved.

Besides, after “The night the lights went out in Georgia” your drug habit took over and the movie career tanked. 

I waited as long as I could. Right up til 1984 when the neighbor girl turned horny and needed someone to practice on. I learned more about mono than I did sex from her but alas, that was the end of us.

I should have waited for you. I know, I’m slime. Lower than slime. And I knew I was to blame when I read that you had recently come out as a Lesbian. I get that. You waited as long as you could for me as well. And if you couldn’t have me, well, there just wasn’t any point in having dick at all.

I’ll never forget those early innocent, awkward, silly days we shared together. 

N.