Nemesis (Pan the horizon)

Nemesis (Pan the horizon, in vain)

Wake up Neo...The greatest enemy will hide in the place you least expect.

I.

The Tarc bus shooting has no relation to the McCarthy drug ring takedown. Just look away. Don’t notice. Click something else. Miss that connection.

Described as respectful and soft-spoken, Michael A. McCarthy Jr. lived quietly with his girlfriend and children in a $353,000 home on a one-acre plot in a Spencer County subdivision.Thomas Gorman, the DEA’s assistant special agent in charge for Louisville, said McCarthy didn’t flaunt his wealth and ran a disciplined operation. - CJ’s Andrew Wolfson 

II.

Even though that storm came in May, the fallout from this has taken some time. Lets not even mention the news agencies who sat on the story at the behest of its masters. 

 Pawns only really draw attacking power from the stronger pieces behind them. Position. Power. Time.

 In Chess, time is the factor most overlooked. What? You thought the drug trade would cease now? White people are so quaint. The gods of your capitalist religion are just moving pieces. Game on.

Louisville attorney Frank Mascagni III represents the alleged ring leader and says he doesn't fit the profile of someone who is the head of a drug cartel. - again, CJ’s Andrew Wolfson

That’s because he isn’t. Check but never mate. There is always a bigger fish. Lets call him Pan. I’d wish them luck catching him but they don’t want to catch him. Attorney Frank is known as “the ego” in my circles.

III.

We all die though. Echo did. Now is not the time to fear. That comes later.

That is where you find out who you are though. In the thick of it as death looms. Against nemesis you will be brought. The outcome? Who knows. Such things are rarely if ever up to me. If you win he will only come after you again, and again and again.

   We can only do. Now. What is in front of us. Your plans, beliefs, hopes really don’t matter if you don’t act on them in the now. 

   Not sure what to believe in anymore? I know, I know, so many Netflix titles...so little time. Easier just to “like” on Facebook and give us all some profound quote. Like is now a verb. An action. 

Instead. Just once. 

Try doing the next right thing. Wether you like it or not. Then repeat. Start small. 

IV.

Your still here reading? Than it was meant for you. You have missed the connection and the matrix still has you. Oh, I’m well aware that any moment now the door will kick in and the REAL movie (with appropriate theme song) that is your life will begin in earnest. And you will show me by golly. Weeks fly by yet days take forever. 

Your greatest enemy hid very well. No, not in the TARC bus, not in the shooter, not in the bigger bloody coup of bishops and knights in the drug cartels nor their well paid lawyers. Not even in conspiracies that involve high powers and principalities. Yes god dammit there is always a bigger fish but these are pawns.

All those places one would EXPECT to find nemesis. Think harder.

V.

Except thinking is what got you here. In fact it’s your thinking that is now in doubt. Under suspicion. Are you seated? The brain’s thinking can’t-- won’t conceive of this because it is your brain. 

No con game could be this big? Could it? The last place you would ever look...

Too busy not flaunting its brainy wealth and running a disciplined operation. Nemesis is you.

VI.

...And your picking up your phone to call your attorney Frank the “ego” even now.

N.

Echo fading...(Nemesis rising)

In case you didn’t know, Echo is my soul mate. She was the one. Just picking up her scent enthralls me. I can be seven ways beyond angry at her. Lord knows she pushes my buttons. But I cannot stop loving her. I gave up trying to understand her a long time ago. The best females are impossible to figure out. She is eternity wrapped in tan skin and dark hair. She snorts a little when she laughs a lot.

When the doctors told Echo that her insides were rocky ground were my seed could find no fertile ground, she was devastated. Got to be were she barely climbed out of bed. I could not console the woman who had saved my life. Colors faded and dust accumulated. 

My record prevented adoption and money kept most other options distant. The days drug on.

In my desperation I turned to someone I didn’t fully understand. The strong man. The wicked one. Boss. The overlord Pan. 

I had dealt with Pan before in my lawless youth. Survived to tell the tale and I figured that if I could just fix the problem, my Echo would be ok. For that I needed money and Pan could help me score it fast.

What I did not foresee was that Pan would desire my Echo, betray me and leave me for dead. Losing Echo to Pan was the bitter payment I received. 

Focused on myself, worried about me and seeing Echo only through my own reflection, I lost her. Thinking I was saving her I was sending her away.

Make no mistake, I still hunt the goat fucker Pan. I struck him down once already. Maybe I’ll tell some of those sordid tales one day, Missed encounters where I almost finished off the godlike avenger. That is, if we don’t kill each other first. 

Needless to say, Echo disapproved of my turning to illegal activities. I know now, too late, that she really only wanted my unconditional love. More than bearing me offspring, more than money, more than all the instruments I bought her.

Seems whenever I would win her back, something would cause me to lose her yet again. Always the wealthy and beautiful Nemesis in the shadows. 

You see, Pan unleashed the wench Nemesis to stalk my every step. She is a vengeful bitch. Never underestimate her. I have the scars to prove it. Sometimes even pretending to be Echo to lure me in. 

I trudge on. Seeing her everywhere but she is nowhere. She is the only true love I have ever known. My echo.

N.

Waltz in Khafji (Broken)

It was regrettable really.

They told us a lie and we rushed in. Like fools in love.

Despite many liberal war movies meant to show the futile nature of war and its aftermath, I was a teen drunk off brew and I made those movies my idol. I would not heed the tears of my mother though in retrospect, they were prophetic.

It wasn't the 65 pound pack that impeded my movements but the extra ammo I was carrying for the M249 light machine gun team.
The Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW) was the largest gun in our USMC platoon. And we were expecting to use it today. I was 18.

It's an odd sensation to have that-real humans, other men, are actively trying very hard to kill you. Right now.
Hard to fathom really, until the rounds start hitting objects around you as a man attempts exactly this, your death.

I was in the sand with the safety off and returning fire before I heard the first cries of "contact right, contact right". I have a knack for impending doom. My M16 was singing in 3 round bursts. A symphony of lead.
I could not see my enemy and for all I know my rounds were impacting small children playing in the parlor of the building that was now smoking from the rounds penetrating every wall.
The place was Al-Khafji. A rare and soon to be famous battle of the event called Gulf war I.

I surmised that I was in decent cover but my left was exposed and I took a moment to see how I might improve that when the left flank erupted with small arms fire. The uncanny crack of the AK-47's 7.62mm round is unmistakable. I rolled into a small shed.
The radio man, Scooter, was now next to me and the radio chatter was elevated. Scooter was from Philly and we all liked to pass around the stolen picture of his mom and jerk off to it.

They were close as I could hear arabic words being called out. They were instructional in tone, not like the ones coming from the house next to us which was of men lamenting over a young lifeless female.

Scooter was in my ear. "Narcissus, drop a smoke frag, red. L.T says we got wounded. Choppers incoming"

He said something else about the left flank but I was popping off more rounds at a shadowy figure about 50 yards out. He went down. Did I hit him?

Then darkness. Followed by an explosion that seemed to come from inside my own head and vibrate outward.
My back felt moist and warm and I had the overpowering urge to just take a deep breath and have a nap. Followed by a hint of burning and then...pain.

Scooter was above me yelling but I couldn't hear anything. It was so peaceful, except for the red hot iron someone was apparently pressing into my right shoulder and neck.
The sky, normally choked with oil fire smoke, was so blue. It seemed like miles away a firefight was going on. The soft thuds of some battle raging in a bad place removed from me.

A tornado of wind. Sand in my eyes. The muffled yells of men. My chest heavy from the wind pushing down. The large helicopter now over me.

They kept talking to me, asking dumb questions as we rode thru the air, high above the ground. I just wanted to sleep. So tired. So desiring my bed back home. The smell of my mothers cooking drifting thru the house. The sun low and bright.

I smelled you before I saw you. The distinct scent of a women after months of enduring nothing but sweaty males. I thought I was dead.
"He's going into shock" you said as you looked not only into my eyes but down into my soul, which I thought no longer existed.
"He needs blood, AB negative. Severe loss, neck wound. shrapnel visible"

I have left a tornado's path of wreckage chasing and loving the nurse I knew only as 'Echo'. A women whose scent and beauty has no rival.

N.

Repeat offender (Arizona)

My name is Narcissus. You can call me N.

                   

The first time I met Echo was in a Marine Corps Medical Evac. tent outside of a shit hole border town called Al-Khafji between Kuwait and the ‘Kingdom’ of Saudi Arabia. The word Kingdom of course being a stretch.

A day I'll never forget. 

She was a Southern Indiana flower. Just a little, medical daffodil. 

I was bleeding out of my neck from the shrapnel hit and in and out of consciousness. 

But thats another story for another day. Fast forward some years...

                   

Now, prison Iife is very structured...more than most people care for.

But a spirit of camaraderie exists between the men like you find onIy in combat, maybe, or on a pro ball club in the heat of the pennant drive. It ain’t Ozzie and Harriet but sometimes its the only fam you got.

In an effort to better ourselves, we had to meet with a counselor, who tried to heIp us figure out why we were the way we were. But all we wanted was a hot roll and butter.

I tried to stand straight and fly right upon numerous releases but it wasn't easy with that son of a bitch Bush in the White House. I don't know. They said he was a decent man.

So...maybe his advisers were confused.

I can't say I was happy to be back inside, but the flood of familiar sights, sounds and faces almost made it feel like a homecomin'. Most men my age are married and raising up a family.

Well, sometimes your career's gotta come before family.

I don't know how you come down on the incarceration question, whether it's for rehabilitation or revenge, but I was beginning to think revenge is the onIy argument makes any sense. Still, I couldn't heIp thinkin' that a brighter future lay ahead. 

A future that was onIy eight to fourteen months away.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And, for once, they may be right.

More and more my thoughts turned to Echo and as days turned to months, I finally feIt the pain of imprisonment.

So when paroled, I dedicated every waking moment to finding and winning over the the goddess nymph, Echo. She eventually gave in.

These were the happy days, the salad days, as they say, and Echo feIt that havin' a critter was the next logical step. It was all she thought about.

Her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us. I thought that was beautiful. Every thing Echo said was music to my ears.

Echo rejoiced that my lawless years were behind me and that our chiId-rearing years lay ahead.

And then the roof caved in.

N.

It's Alive! (I-420)

I was working late in my laboratory. Things had not been going well. In fact, it’s been one failure after another. So much so that I wonder sometimes if its worth it.

So I walked out to the roof, and to be honest, I gauged if the fall from this height might kill me. Probably not I thought. Just enough to paralyze me, from the waist down no less. Yea, that would be my luck. I stared into the distant night.

And then like a hydroponic bulb suddenly flickering on, you appeared. Startled me actually as the roof is my happy, solitary place. You were quickly trying to hide your bowl but the smoke still lingered. 

Your awkward movements in the low moonlight made you appear younger than you were. I chuckled as you coughed. 

“Seems we startled each other”, I offered as an olive branch to open the tense space between us. “Fear not. I’m up here mourning the dampening off of almost an entire elbow worth of 420”. 

“A pound?”, you looked shocked as you then continued while lighting what looked like a Marlboro red. “Jesus tap-dancing christ! Fucking fungus will wilt ya man, bad, every time.”

You couldn’t see it in the low light but I popped an instant woody. I watched you exhale smoke for what seemed like an hour and it wasn’t long enough.

The intruding sound of a car horn. A name being called out into the night. Another blast of horn.

You flicked the cig and bolted for the door. “Shit, gotta run...Gonna be up here again soon cutie?”

I wasn’t in control of my tongue. “What? um. yea. sure. Whats your name?” 

“Echo!” as you disappeared down the steps.

And so I live on the roof. Waiting for lightning to strike yet again.

N.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die (600 W.Jeff)

"Please state your name..."

"My name is Narcissus Thespiae." and I am unique. My destiny is of cosmic proportions. But until then, I masturbate and watch movies which are release valves for my anxiety about the future not getting here quite fast enough.
Contrary to popular opinion, I don't need to be the best, the most handsome or the strongest. I just have to be THE main character.
Echo seems nearby, always, yet out of reach and Nemesis lurks in the shadows.

"Turn to your left..." It's not that I'm in love with myself. It's that I want love THRU your eyes.

"Turn to your right...". Besides, narcissism is hard work. I'm on set 24/7. And supporting cast never seem to be on par with my skills. But carry the show I must. And I do.

"Please stand on the painted yellow feet..." Yet, with every passing day, I realize I will not fight bad guys, not join the CIA, not be in a band, not throw the winning touchdown.
I will not know kung fu.

"Buzz the chief...incoming from holding to general quarters..." Buzzers sound and doors unlock.

"Do exactly as I say. Put all your clothes in this marked box. Step into the shower. Use the bottle marked lime..." It's as if you thought you were cast in the Matrix movie, only to find out, holy shit, you are in Inception.
I'm in a matrix of someone else's 4th level, deep shitted, bad dream. Worse, there is no waking up.

"Get dressed. Underwear, socks, jump suit and sandals only." Thankfully, alcohol, narcotics and the occasional lay numb the oppressive silence. I remain undiscovered.
Someday my life will kick in though. Someday you will love me.

"Open cell doors....Main....One, Narcissis Thespiae entering block 01, cell 2b." At times I feel on the verge of...a connection, with something greater than myself. But as I ponder what that entails, distractions abound.
I endeavor to try this time and look beyond myself and..."

"Clerk note the time and make sure 1st shift gets a copy. Clerk? Sandra, you in there?" Sandra? Female clerk? Could she be the one? Is that you Trinity? Echo?

Dear Sandra, county jail clerk - night duty. I know you are going to post about me any minute. You were getting a Kit Kat when I first came through booking but you saw me, you really saw...

N. 

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors ass (Paradise Lost)

Sure, in retrospect it was a bad idea.

You are the hot little neighbor girl, we’ll call you echo. Always popping up wanting to chit chat. Leaving your window shades wide open. Constantly telling me when you are turning 18. Of course, I already know as I have the date marked on my calendar. 

You always want me to join you at Bible study. I never go. Not the main character in that narrative. But seeing as you were the first person to come to my aid after I was taser-ed yesterday, I gave in.

Besides, the last time I went into a six flags over Jesus arena, I got several numbers. I polished off the whiskey, put on some axe deodorant and stumbled into cuties mom’s car for the ride. Don’t ask, you know why.

I caught my reflection in the rear window and smiled to myself. That smile would be short lived.

I knew when the ushers asked me to leave the sanctuary after I got caught making some withdrawals from the offering basket going around that this was not going to end well. Who knew the four horsemen were mounted and up to speed. Not this guy. Lo, I beheld Satan fall from heaven, And he landed in my ass. 

As I got up to leave, the people at the front thought I was answering some call to come forward and ‘testify’. Insert applause, encouragement to come down and the baffled look of the ushers and there I was. Front and center. I was totally ready to excuse myself and bolt, that is until I saw it.

Falling from the rafters like a new Jerusalem, (insert Inception soundtrack here).

The giant mega screen. The main one, and there I was plastered all over it. With hot neighbor girl next to me joyfully crying. I remember hoping my erection didn’t show. Or maybe I did...

But I had no time to check. The microphone was in my hand...

...

The police report will say that I was indeed assaulted by the peaceful kingdom -Lutheran redeemer- resurrection - pilgrim life saints, Missouri synod, of Louisville but only after I had sex with a minor inside the baptismal font. But that ain’t the half of it. The public nudity charge was thrown on because when the curtain rolled up, there I was - on stage - in the font - ‘biblically” getting to know said neighbor. 

What it doesn’t say is that the frisky choir director, which turned out to be the pastors wife and echo’s mom was also naked. Only earlier, right after they wrestled the microphone from my hand but before the fire started in the rear vestibule. It doesn’t say that because they don’t know that.

Hence my post here. Was wondering if the mom might have a recording of me on stage. Would like to have that pending my completion of community service and the EPO says I can't have direct contact. Hit me up...

Peace in Christ,

N.

Dynamite comes in small packages (little brown)

I answered the door without a shirt and with my jeans barely zipped up. You looked me over pretty hard thru the torn screen.

"Delivery...for...Narcissus", said the short, cute, brunette parcel carrier.

I had hoped you would comment on my looks, seeing as I was going for the 'just finished a workout' vibe when in truth I was in the 4th hour of a masturbation marathon and could probably benefit from an IV drip.

"Oh, that be me baby girl. Say, you want to come indoors, lighten the load, maybe have a cold one?"

I hadn't even opened the door when you retorted.

"Yea, says here on the package...Miley Cyrus inflatable...Seems you already have a date. Wouldn't wanna intrude."
You made a condescending smirk that if you weren't so cute I believe I would have punched you in the throat.

"Well...Seems I need to discuss with a certain sales webmaster the definition of the word 'discreet," I replied as I fiddled with the latch.

"Is Miley even 18? What a tool..." as you were typing in your electronic clipboard.

"Come on, little brown, what-ya-say you come on in and the three of us can figure out...." But you cut me off.

"Are you retarded? No seriously? Because I don't want to be arrested for dragging a handicapped person into the middle of the street and beating the bejesus out of him..."

The fact that I relocked the screen door while you spoke should not imply I was scared. The narcissist is ever aware of Nemesis.

"You need to sign this Billy Ray."

As I slowly moved around the now open door I contemplated how you kept looking away, into the far off, like....there was a camera out there. Just like I do...you were playing the role so well I missed it.
Missed my cue! Damn!
So I had no other choice but to make my move. I finished signing and leaned in for the kiss I know you truly desired. My last thought was just how shocking your lips tasted.

...

They call it the 26C model Taser. C standing for civilian model since its based on the police tactical Taser26 version. The difference being, and this matters, is that the civilian model delivers a 10 second shock followed by a 30 second shock.
The manufacturer says this helps the user to secure the time needed for a get away. I know all this because little brown here took her get away time and used it to patiently explain to me these very particulars.
Needless to say I paid close attention- even after I lost control of my bowels. Except, and this I regret, I never caught her name.

Miley and me are waiting for you, my sweet echo,

N.