Holy shit. I'm still drunk as I write. What a night. Lets see, from what I can piece together...
I wrecked, stumbled a few blocks, stripped down and had sex with your lawn ornament Santa around 3am. I know you saw me because you were yelling at me to get off your lawn.
I was really laying the high hard one to him under the mistletoe.
But since you did this in your night gown I am now your stalker. Forever. Really. I'm not kidding.
I can't remember the address but I know the street so I just need to find the blown out ass of what was once a life size Saint Nick. Did I mention I love you?
I also would like my jeans back. They were 45 bucks at PacSun.
I'm not sure how the reindeer caught on fire. Nor why the sleigh was in the middle of the street. Seems like there would be a reason. Not that it matters now since the fire trucks hit it.
How did they miss an 8 foot sleigh in the middle of the street?
Jiminy fucking Christmas!
Oh, right. It's slowly coming back to me now. I used it to pry the fire hydrant open to put out the burning Reindeer. Makes perfect sense now.
So not a total black out. Just a brown out. Maybe I will remember where I wrecked my car and which bar has my debit card. Gonna be a good day.
Still it doesn't clarify why I catapulted a flaming reindeer through your bay window. Maybe blitzen. Or Donner. Yea, Donner I think. Well... hopefully no hard feelings. I blame the Tequila. Kids will be kids right?
Not me of course, I mean your kids. Screaming and crying and carrying on like that! I mean, come on. Geesh, if I had a dime for every time a jolly fat man got ass pounded in MY front lawn as a kid I'd be owner of a small string of adult bookstores by now. And besides, I turned out ok. Sure, I don't recall fiery Reindeer crashing directly into my living room at zero dark thirty after seeing Santa's bung hole being raped but... I didn't have a bay window.
So lets call it even and start afresh.
Happy Holidays,
N.
I wrecked, stumbled a few blocks, stripped down and had sex with your lawn ornament Santa around 3am. I know you saw me because you were yelling at me to get off your lawn.
I was really laying the high hard one to him under the mistletoe.
But since you did this in your night gown I am now your stalker. Forever. Really. I'm not kidding.
I can't remember the address but I know the street so I just need to find the blown out ass of what was once a life size Saint Nick. Did I mention I love you?
I also would like my jeans back. They were 45 bucks at PacSun.
I'm not sure how the reindeer caught on fire. Nor why the sleigh was in the middle of the street. Seems like there would be a reason. Not that it matters now since the fire trucks hit it.
How did they miss an 8 foot sleigh in the middle of the street?
Jiminy fucking Christmas!
Oh, right. It's slowly coming back to me now. I used it to pry the fire hydrant open to put out the burning Reindeer. Makes perfect sense now.
So not a total black out. Just a brown out. Maybe I will remember where I wrecked my car and which bar has my debit card. Gonna be a good day.
Still it doesn't clarify why I catapulted a flaming reindeer through your bay window. Maybe blitzen. Or Donner. Yea, Donner I think. Well... hopefully no hard feelings. I blame the Tequila. Kids will be kids right?
Not me of course, I mean your kids. Screaming and crying and carrying on like that! I mean, come on. Geesh, if I had a dime for every time a jolly fat man got ass pounded in MY front lawn as a kid I'd be owner of a small string of adult bookstores by now. And besides, I turned out ok. Sure, I don't recall fiery Reindeer crashing directly into my living room at zero dark thirty after seeing Santa's bung hole being raped but... I didn't have a bay window.
So lets call it even and start afresh.
Happy Holidays,
N.
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