Big and tasty (Friends with benefits)

"How do you spell that again?", you asked without looking up from your archaic HP monitor.

"N..A..R..C..I..S..S..U..S". That is indeed my name and while the unemployment office is a black hole of personality and fun, I can sense you are excited by my mere presence. Who isn't? I'm glad I sprayed the axe all over myself while in the honda.

"Right. It says here on your form, you wrote for skills: Have a home phone..."

"Yes."

"Thats your skills? That you own, your very own, home. phone?"

"You have such a way with words my sweet bureaucratic beauty. You know my name, but what is yours?"

You stared at me for a long time. Mouth slightly open. And without taking your eyes off me, you bellowed...

"Monica!...Monica! Get over here girl. I got a live one..."

A Ménage à trois! How exciting. Despite being a big women, you knew you could not handle all of me yourself. A threesome was in order.

Monica walked over. Waddled might be more accurate. She was almost the same size as you. A lot of breast milk was now in front of me.
So much so that I forgot the line of people behind me whose complaints seemed louder than normal.

"It also says here that your entire past history is confidential. Your schooling is Top secret. You have NO references and a home phone with 16 digits."

"You are as thorough as you are pretty. Tell me ladies, shall we get naked together or do you prefer watching each other for a bit?" I stroked my chin and adjusted my nut sack. For effect.

"Oh no he didn't", Monica was on the phone, no doubt calling in sick and getting this party started prr-ronto.

You however surprised me with your speed. I've not had that much female come at me that fast, all at once.
Well, now that I think about it, there was that tranny at the bus station that one time...

You throttled me pretty good and pulled me in close. I wasn't expecting a 3some right on the front desk facing the lobby but you were one determined woman. It almost hurt you were so rough.

Sadly, security broke us apart and poor Monica tried to cover her involvement by accusing me of harassment.
It's always the ones that say no the loudest that want it the most. I don't take it personal.

Anywho, your name badge popped off during your passionate attempt to mount me and LMPD said I have to do all further unemployment business online. So...
Don't bother with the home phone government agent, its not real. Hit me up on here and we can supersize and big gulp, all night. ; )

And for the love of god, bring Monica...and your own food.

N.

South by Southwest (Stranded)

You probably won't see this. But, lets try anyway. You were in an airplane, barreling down the runway. Just about up to speed for take-off.

I was on 65 South. Barely in the emergency lane. Broke down and snarling traffic for miles.

And as squinted to the heavens to pray that my life end abruptly, violently and preferably soon... We met. Yes, as your plane lifted, you looked out the window and saw me. I saw you. We checked each other out pretty extensively I might add for the entire 3.5 seconds it took your plane to clear my field of vision.

Since I don't see an ad here for me, from you, I am beginning to worry that you crashed, are stranded on a bizarre island and either have only a soccer ball to keep you company or you are in the Dharma Initiatives grasp.

Morse code me the odometer reading from my car, so I know its you. And the year of my car, and tell me what words I was mouthing, for I know you heard me with your heart.

And I will save you. Well, after I get the car fixed and as soon as my probation ends. I mean like the day of. Or the very next day for sure.

N. 

Looking for a whore, or wife, whichever...

I'm 35. Healthy. Brush at least once a day and watch a lot of television like a good citizen. Looking for a whore to have table smashing sex with OR a wife to take home to mom. Whichever. Not Picky.

Seriously, I will do things to you that will not allow you to look your father in the eyes any longer or we can just watch the 700 club and eat popcorn.

I really enjoy breathing. Walking outdoors to my car and then outdoors again to my office. Occasionally outdoors while awaiting table at restaurant so yea, pretty outdoorsy....

I hate kids. Can't stand to be around them. Just being honest. Filthy, selfish things they are. So needy...but if you have kids thats ok too.

I guess I like texting and movies and eating and the internet but mostly I masturbate. Often while doing those other activities.

Can't wait for my NSA ass banging whore slut to appear or my family loving - bible reading wife. Whichever.

xoxo